It Was a Bad Weekend

People are different.  A friend of mine says that everybody possesses some heaven-sent talent or gift, the trick is finding it.  Maybe he is right, I don't know.  It sounds like a crock to me, but I have been known to be wrong before so maybe I should just let that one go.  I do know that my talent this past weekend, if you can call it talent, was causing a series of disasters.  I tried everything possible to kill myself.  The scary part for me is that the weekend isn't over yet.

Much like Dicken's 'A Christmas Carol', the following vignettes are related in that they happen in series, one after the other, and I am suppose to learn a lesson as they are shown to me.

Number One - I went for a bike ride with Duane and Jim.  My bike was making a weird noise so I had my head down, looking between my legs to the rear of the bike while I rode, trying to find the source of the noise.  I wasn't looking where I was going, but I was only going maybe six or eight miles an hour, I heard a noise like a 'Uhhaaahhhg', I looked up just in time to see Duane trying to get out of the way.  I hit him square in the chest with my shoulder.  I wobbled over to the side of the road.  I didn't fall off my bike, which was a miracle in itself.  I should have fallen off and broken a wrist or shoulder.  Duane was fine.

Number Two - Later that night, Duane and my wife Patty and I were in the boat, drinking wine and wandering around the lake.  I was driving, not really looking where I was going.  I do it all the time.  I go slow and I am sure it is perfectly safe.  Anyway, I hit a log.  I should have broken the boat, but I think it is fine.  What I want to know is who put that log there?  And while I am thinking about it, back to Number One, why was Duane standing where I was riding anyway?

Number Three - Today, my wife and I took the dog and went for a bike ride on our mountain bikes.  I was going down a short hill, not too steep, but as it turned out, it was steep enough.  I wasn't paying attention, I had all my weight over the front wheel, I was looking back to see where Patty was, I was using the front brake and 'wham' I flipped over the front, landing on my wrist and rolling onto my back.  I should have broken my wrist.  It hurts but I think it's OK.
Crap, I can't stop thinking about Number One.  Did I hit Duane or did he hit me?

Number Four - I just got done swimming. Jim and I swam a mile in the lake.  I usually spot every seven strokes.  That means I don't look up for six strokes, then on the seventh, I pick my head up and grab a peek to see where I am going.  I guess I forgot to count to seven.  I got stuck on three for about twenty strokes so....  I knew I was off course when the dock hit my forehead so hard it made me dizzy.  Notice I didn't say that I hit the dock, I said the dock hit me because I still don't know how that dock moved from way over there to right in front of my head.  Was Duane on that dock?  I didn't look but now that I think about it, I am sure somebody did move that dock while I was swimming.

Anyway, like I said, the day isn't over.  I am going to sit here on the couch and not move for the rest of the day.  It's a self preservation thing at this point.

Running Sucks

I ran today with Jim and John. We ran 13 miles. That sucks. It took me 2hrs 10 minutes. Not a great time, but I couldn't go any faster without hitching a ride, so that sucks too.

 Question: How much do I dislike running?
 Answer: Hold your hands as wide as they can reach, and say out loud 'This much'.

Before the run, we stashed water in three places along the route. That helped. It didn't make me enjoy the run, but it helped me get through it. It helped a little.  The first two miles, Jim and I carried a bottle and tried to drink while we were running.  I should say, Jim carried the bottle, and offered me some water when I turned pale.  He wanted to keep running while we drank water.  Seriously?  I can barely drink out of a cup at the dinner table without choking, and he wants to run and drink?  Let's sit down on a stump and talk about it.  Let's go back to the car and listen to some tunes before we get too far away.  We can drink water there.  Or we can go to Starbucks and get a mocha.  My treat.

I ran three shorter runs earlier this week. Those shorter runs aren't that bad. Forty minutes, an hour, whatever, I can do that. Don't misunderstand, I would rather go to the dentist than run, but the shorter runs are at least manageable. This 13 mile crap needs to stop.

We have cars so we don't need to run.  You get in the car, you drive where you need to go.  Why mess up a good system?   If I stop driving and start running, who knows where it will end, how many others will follow my lead?  Who am I to spit in the face of 100 years of automotive history?  Who am I to destroy an entire American industry?  For if I destroy an American institution, like Ford or Delorean, aren't I destroying America itself?  I for one will not stand by while this grave injustice is done to America!  Stop running and drive!

We are biking four hours tomorrow. Easy-peasy, sounds like heaven.

Word of the day:  Spoonerism
Use it in a sentence: I was so excited to be home from my run, I spoke a bunch of spoonerisms.
Definition:  Look it up.

My countdown clock has me at 63 days until the Ironman.  It isn't enough.

Scales

Weight is a big deal in anything you do.  Walking up stairs isn't hard if you are in good shape and don't carry extra weight.  Try carrying a 40 pound bag of dog food and you get an idea of what being overweight can do to you.  Then try running with that bag of dogfood for 6 hours.  Weight is a monster.

I have been dieting for 3 months with no success.  I gained a pound.  Maybe that diet isn't working.  So I started a new diet ten days ago.  It is working, but I am hungry all the time.  I call it the 'hungry all the time' diet. I think I will write a book and make a million.

One way to gauge your diet success is the muffin-pants method.  Put on a pair of pants and reach around and grab some muffin top.  Don't be shy, grab it all, you own it.  If you grab more muffin top that you did a week ago in the same pair of pants, the diet isn't working.   If you aren't sure, ask somebody who owes you money 'Does my muffin top look smaller?'.  I think that is a pretty good way to go.

 I like the muffin-pants method, but I have a bad memory so I convince myself that all is well and I can go ahead and eat that last Ho-Ho.  No matter how much muffin top I grab, I am sure it is smaller than last week's grab.

The other, less fun way to measure diet success is to get on a scale.  Today I swam an hour, then got on the scale at the gym.  They have one of those expensive scales like they have at the doctors office.  I looked it up, those things start at 200 bucks.  That expensive piece of crap had me at 198 pounds, which I know is wrong.  All those doctor office scales are about 3 pounds heavy.  They look expensive but they are all inaccurate.

I got home and weighed in on the bathroom scale.  Actually, I have two bathroom scales.  One cost about eighty bucks, has an electronic display and is always two pounds heavy, and it had me at 195.3.  The other, completely accurate scale from Walmart on sale at under twenty bucks about fifteen years ago had me at 193.  So I weigh 193.  I know that is right.  Cool. When I was in college, I weighed 195 -200 my senior year so I feel pretty good about that.

Seahawk 12k

I ran in the Seahawk 12k today.  I came in 43 out of 52 in my age division.  My wife asked me why I came in 43rd.  I answered that I came in 43rd because the I passed the super fat guy about fifty yards from the finish, else it would have been 44th.  So I feel good about that.

There was a post on facebook about this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KTEgLKhjIw

There was discussion about how many of these snippets I actually say.  My wife says I am close to 100%.  I thought I would go through the list and see how accurate this is.  I started to list them all, along with a note if I have used that phrase.  It got boring so I stopped, but in total, I say about 95% of those.  Not 100%.