Temper Your Taper

When I was nine, my Mom sat me down, gently held my hand, looked at me lovingly with those sky blue eyes, paused just a moment, then she asked me if I wanted some ice cream.  I said 'Is this a trick question?'

Of course I wanted ice cream, who the hell did she think she was talking to?  Then she must have lost her mind, because she said I could have all the ice cream I wanted, any flavor, all day long.  That is like turning a pit bull loose in a room full of three legged cats.  Carnage.  Absolute carnage.  Ice cream cartons would be strewn about like like cat carcasses.

It was a beautiful moment, shared between a mother and son.  I got emotional, just thinking of the unlimited ice cream.   A small tear ran down my cheek.  I couldn't speak.  So then she told me that all I had to do was get my tonsils out.  Just a quick trip to the hospital, take a nap, then eat all the ice cream I wanted.  I stuck my hand out and said  'It's a deal!'  I felt sorry for her.  She had no idea of the damage I could do to unlimited ice cream.  No idea.

It wasn't her fault, but she was just a little naive about me.  When I turned twelve, she never knew where the quarterly Sears catalog went.  I grabbed those out of the mailbox quick as lightening.  I don't think she even knew that we were on the mailing list.  I had a stack of those bad boys in the garage.  If Mom ever found my stash, I planned to blame Dad, since it was technically his garage.  I had it all going on.

The ladies underwear section was crazy good.  I memorized those pages.  I had a surprising wealth of information about ladies underwear for a twelve year old.  "Full figure", "underwire", "tummy control".  I knew all the lingo.  The lived the underwear section.  That and the lawn tractor section.  I thought I could have all a kid would ever want if I could hang out with the underwear models and get a riding mower.  I am not alone here, right?

Back to the ice cream.  Mom had no idea that she just cut a deal with the devil when she promised an 'all you can eat' thing. I planned on setting a world record at the hospital.  The paper was going to put my picture on the front page.  "Yakima youth sets record!"  I was on my game.

I never got the ice cream.  It was all a lie.  I went to the hospital, took a nap, woke up and I got zip!  It was a big fat lie.  I got a spoonful, put it up to my lips, swallowed, just once, and almost passed out.  I never tried again.  It was a lie.

History repeats itself.  I roll the clock forward a few years, and my dickbird buddies tell me 'hey, lets work out so hard for six months that our legs feel like spooge to get ready for Ironman, then we get to 'Taper'.   They made the taper sound like it would make all the pain worth while.  All my aches would go away and I would walk around like superman under a yellow sun.  It isn't true.  I started my taper earlier this week, and while I feel ok, I don't feel like superman.  I can't stop eating and sleeping and I still run like crap.  I ran earlier today, came home, turned on comcast and watched qvc selling a combo deal of stemware and flatware for only three easy payments of 39.99.

My bike seat isn't working right.  When I hit a bump, it slips down a quarter inch.  I must have hit eight bumps because I was riding today and my knees were hitting my ears.  If I hit just one more bump, I would have needed a tube of vagasil smeared all over my head.  I took it down to Northwest Tri and they did something, I was talking to Brad so I didn't see what they did.  I will try it out tomorrow.  I think they used some duct tape and bailing wire.  You can fix anything with duct tape and bailing wire.