The Coat-Condom

There has been some discussion between my two readers regarding my lack of literary productivity over the past month. To them I offer the following sincere response, “phffffthhht”. I said it and I mean it. If there is any more dissension in the reader base, I will name names. Watergate was just a shadow of the havoc I will vouchsafe upon the blogging community if I hear any more complaints.

Two weeks ago, my small band of training partners grew by 25%. We added a woman to our all male party which not only improved the average athletic ability of our group by about 200%, but she also offered the unforeseen benefit of limited body odor. Everybody else in our group stinks. You work out with these guys for 30 minutes, they stink like unholy hell. Not me of course, I am body odor neutral. It's a genetic thing. For some reason, our new training partner from the opposite gender doesn't smell like an untended armpit. Weird. Speaking of smell, its a little known fact that all the roads that our mixed gender group trains on were built parallel to salmon spawning streams. And, it's even less well known fact that when salmon spawn, they die and float belly up and smell really bad. Imagine the one smell that, when you smell it, you immediately want to barf. That's what salmon spawning streams smell like in October in the township of Enumclaw. I might write to the Enumclaw city council and ask for some sort of relief.

Today's plan was to do a half ironman in a training environment. We swam for 50 minutes, we rode 56 miles, then we ran. We were suppose to run 13.1 miles, but since we were tired from the bike ride, we cut it short with a firm commitment to make it up tomorrow. That counts, right?

I ordered my shoes for the race. Brooks Adrenalin 13 EE. I'm five foot nine if I stretch and I have 13 EE paws. Frodo Baggins had similar feet. I have to order online because they don't stock my size in retail stores.  Is it my fault that John Holmes and I have the same shoe size?

My left shoulder gets sore when I swim. I know its because I don't rotate sufficiently on my non-breathing side but I cant seem to fix it. I work out in the pool and I feel like I am rotating like an African crocodile with lunch in his chompers, but I still get a sore shoulder. I guess if it gets too bad, I can single arm the course in Phoenix.

Two weeks ago, I rode 60 miles and it was cold. I think it was like 40 degrees at the start, 50 at the end of the ride. I wore regular bike shorts, a couple shirts, a super light coat, fingerless gloves. I didn't fully appreciate the cold and I was pretty well shivering at the end of the ride. I'm an idiot. Last week, I rode 90 miles, it was 33 degrees at the start of the ride, rising to a balmy 40 degrees at the end, I wore long pants, shoe covers, long finger gloves and a light coat. I was cold. Now, you need to realize I have a warm, bright red bike coat in the closet. It doesn't breath but let me explain the effect of 33 degrees on a guy on a bike. The wind just sucks the heat out of your body. It's like a giant succubus. When it's that cold, you don't need your coat to breath. In fact, if its cold enough, you are better off with a super-sized rubberized condom-coat. The heat you make stays in and you stay warm. So today, it was kind of a middle temp of 44 when we left. I again left the red coat-condom in the closet. I want to wear my coat-condom once this fall so I am waiting for the ice ride. We always get one ice ride in a year, it's when the water puddles are frozen over and you go home after 30 minutes because your bike keeps flying out from under you. That's when you need the coat-condom.