I Am Not Chuck

Over Christmas break, I had a conversation with some family members about New Years resolutions. One person said they were going to go to the gym more, one person said they were going to be a better housekeeper or a better cook or something sort of like that: I should know that one, but I wasn't really listening. Instead, I was frantically searching for a decent answer to contribute to the conversation. What the hell am I going to do for a New Years resolution? Diet? Already on it.  Rescue lost golden retriever puppies? I do that now.  Crud.  I got nothin'.

Anyway, the conversation now moved away from the housekeeping answer on to the third person who said they a were going on an adventure. That answer was pretty good, but a little too non-specific for me. I need an achievable goal or I wont do it. I can't just say I am going to work out more. How much more? Lift or run more? I need specifics.

Earlier today, while I was at the shoe store, I figured out what my resolution is. I am going to take all the shoelaces out of my tennis shoes and go with those elastic quick laces. They work in my race shoes, so why not all my tennis shoes?  That way I don't have to bend over to put my shoes on.  It just feels right.

Here is the definition of a generational gap. Kwai Chang Caine. If you don't know who Kwai Chang Caine is, you are from a less worthy generation.  Sorry, that's just how it is.

I used to watch a TV show called “Chuck”. Chuck seemed like he was just a run of the mill geek that worked at a discount store and fixed people's computers, but he had a secret identity.  His secret identity was that he worked for the CIA and had a superhot girlfriend and had been infected with a computer virus sort of thing that allowed him to instantly learn anything he needed to learn. Whatever he needed to know, or whatever he needed to do, he just waited for three shakes of a lamb's tail and boom, he knew how to do it. For instance, when the bad guys were going to cause all kinds of mayhem and beat him up, Chuck would learn Kung Fu in about three seconds and then kick the bad guys to the curb. The thing was, he could do anything he wanted to do and didn't have to try hard. He didn't pay the ticket price. It didn't cost him money or pain or anything.  That is the opposite of how triathletes do things.  We never get a free lunch.

I would take the Chuck route if I could. If I could take a pill that made me a better triathlete, I would do it. I would pay maybe a thousand dollars to just be a good triathlete. But I can't. There isn't a magic pill, there is no shortcut, there is no skill or talent you can be born with that gets you there. See, the triathlon deal is harder than that. It takes a lot of time, a lot of pain, a lot of swimming and running and riding with people who are way better than you are.  If you want to be a better triathlete you better accept the idea that a beatdown is in your future.

Yesterday morning, I swam with three swimmers that just left me in the weeds. I was trying pretty hard but I could tell that they were swimming at a pace I couldn't hold.  At the 1000 yard mark I had to take a breath.  At the 1500 yard mark I think my uterus prolapsed.  It hurt my ego, and I wanted to cry, but I was breathing too hard and I couldn't lift my arm to wipe the tears away so I went to Starbucks for a 500 calorie cup of sugarwater with coffee flavoring.

I guess I shouldn't feel bad that I was unable to hang with the good swimmers, since I know it's a process and every time I get dropped, it's really a good thing. I get better every time I receive a beatdown.  You gotta pay to get better.  Unless you are Chuck.