Sharks and Charts

I have been randomly scribbling in my blog for a couple years now, sweeping everyday nouns up against reluctant verbs and giving birth to new, indecipherable adjectives as the need presents itself. Sadly, the King's English has been butchered at my careless hand and will never be the same. If you are familiar with the biblical story of the Tower of Babel, then know that history does in fact repeat itself in this blog. There is some chance that you may lose your hard-won ability to speak English if you read this blog, due to poor authorship and the subliminal commercial message that flash on your screen. I know this is true because half the readership doesn't know what the hell I am yammering about. I have heard with regularity from readers some variation of the following theme; “I really like reading your blog, but what the hell are you talking about? It makes no sense.”

I have a pretty good idea of the potential financial implication of my blog. This knowledge isn't based on research. It isn't based on actual experience. It came to me in a dream. I was noodling the numbers around and I made a chart.

Reads per Month	Cash Money I Make Every Month
10000	$100.00
40000	$300.00
100000000	1 zillion dollars

To put some perspective in there, I have been bloggin' for three years and eleven days and my net payout is three dollars sixty five cents. Since my advertising contract with the company that hosts my blog specifies that they wont pay me until I make at least ten dollars, I have a ways to go. I haven't quit my day job just yet, but I do have some extensive plans in that area.

Some years ago, I started riding with a motley group of social deviants and we started doing a coffee ride every weekend. If you don't know what a coffee ride is, I made another chart.

8:00AM-9:00AM	Ride hard
9:00AM-10:00AM	Order up a tray of grande mocha's with extra whip, extra choco-drizzle and a six pack of cookies. Sit outside in the comfy chair and relax. Observe everybody walking into Starbucks, make snide comments about each and every one as soon as they are out of listening distance.
10:00AM-11:30AM	Get back on our bikes for an hour long ride home.
11:30:00 AM	Get back home and wonder how an hour long ride home put me home ninety minutes later.

I was disappointed to learn that the coffee ride is a thing of the past. I thought everybody rode bikes that way. I thought that coffee and sitting and making snarky comments was part of Ironman training. I miss it. I was good at it. It was fun. Isn't this suppose to be fun?

Today I rode with a group of sharks. I think one of them slipped some cat wormer in my water bottle when I wasn't looking because I wanted to throw up.  These guys and girls made me look like a poser. I thought I could ride, but I found out today that I can't. I called the Ironman people and asked if I could get my money back, but it's too late and besides, they don't give rebates just because your riding group doesn't stop at Starbucks.

I am trying a new nutrition plan on my bike. It's pretty simple. I made another chart.

Hour	Calories Consumed
1	300
2	300
3-forever	300 – You get the idea

I guess I didn't need a chart for that one, but I am a creature of habit.

I am going to run tomorrow morning.  I usually run with the dog, but he just found the porkchops that were in the bottom of the fridge and had rotted and started to stink.  I didn't weigh them when I threw them out, but I am guessing about two pounds worth of soupy porkchops.  So the dog stays home on the run.